Sacrifices

Last October 25 was my birthday, one birthday in which I thought it would be the gloomiest day of my life, but it's really great that my KPC Dotanian friends made my day complete (the party started 9PM and it was good), not to mention that they're the ones who made my month complete (the island-hopping-spree, DOTA, drinks, Videokes).

I haven't posted much for now because I am kinda "busy" with stuff. I am now working at our mornings (and I kinda missed the moon). This is due to my "sickness anxiety". I am doing all my best to do my necessary check-ups. I already went to a dentist (I need to have my molars fixed), a cardiologist (and I had an ECG exam - and it went fine), a nutritionist (DIET DIET DIET). Next will be the Lipid panel, Thyroid Panel, Diabetes check, Chest XRAY, and 2D Echo. I feel better and better everyday, but still I need to finish it. Right now, I am still having this "sensation" on the chest part (I haven't done the chest XRAY yet, and I am thinking I might have broken something due to my gym sessions).

Currently with me being the dayshift, I feel bad about this decision. I had a colleague of mine (which is a good friend) sacrifice himself just for my personal-health's sake. He really wanted to have the shift with me since May when I was feeling sick (because of my eyes and high systole level), but I accepted it by the mid of October. I feel ashamed because I feel selfish that I am sacrificing him because of me. And to think, he's not used to work as a nocturnal, and sad to say he has a family to tend to. Right now I can feel the burden, and seeing him so weak when I get in the office really melts me. I told my boss that if there can be a chance to change back what I told them (that I need to work on dayshift) then I think this guilt of mine will not be of existence. And now I am to work on the dayshift until the end of December. Professionally, this is okay, but not with my heart's content.

I prayed that I may be enlightened on things. I asked: "Does this has a purpose for me? Why do people need to sacrifice for my personal health?" Then I just thought that Jesus died for our sins. Is this what we call sacrifice?

I just hope that things would go better, and I hope that working on the dayshift will yield me wonders. Before I party a lot at nights, but not this time. Things change .... for the good .... and all I know is that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil. 4:13).

My So Called Life (Repost)

*Upon writing this in the office my heart's pounding hard, and I am in tears (I don't know if it's of joy or whatever)*

Back then when I was in my elementary and highschool years, I have served YFC merely as just a member of the music ministry team. Serving the Lord has been my passion. Back then also, my friends will always tease me as the ABSB (Always Busted Since Birth) in the group, 'coz whenever I try myself to have someone with me as a girlfriend I am always dumped out. But nonetheless, I still served YFC and served Him.

In college, I came to realize that my serving in YFC has been not that worthwhile. Few people are now making YFC as a social group, but not as a fellowship with Him. And then also, I happened to expand my knowledge about politics and philosophy. With those knowledge and as well as my sympathy over the opressed and exploited, I became an Atheist as I can be, and as well became an activist. I was so kind of radical that time and with that it cost me my academe. I stopped school for a year due to that, and along with the fact that I had a girlfriend (that time) with the same views as mine. My family and friends that time tried to avoid me because they think that I am a mad man.

When a time came that I worked on an Internet cafe, I happened to listen to the first album of Jars of Clay. That time also, I had a problem with my girlfriend (that time) because of lies (I saw my girlfriend that time with some guy and I was kinda mad and speechless at the same time). Upon listening to "Worlds Apart", my heart melted and all my thoughts in elementary and highschool popped out, trying to clear out my college days memories. I confronted Yoni ('coz at that time she stopped school also) and we talked and talked about Him. She then handed me a book and I read it (the book was Joshua Harris' I kissed Dating Goodbye). After reading it everything cleared out and by that I broke-up with my girlfriend that time.

As I have changed (for good that time), my family welcomed me again, and as well as my friends. Even though I went out of my Atheistic thinking, I still can't help asking about things which I deem not material to my thinking. I ask and ask and ask, skepticism always rule above me. And my heart and life that time was just devoted to my family and friends. Many would say that I need to get a girlfriend, but I lived my life in singleness. After 4 years, I had a girlfriend which only grew in an initial spark, but trials came unto us so that relationship didn't last long.

Before I am out of scholastic life, I met this beautiful girl (inside and out) which I thought I can have for life, but I was challenged to the fact that we cannot be together because of time constrainst. So that relationship fuzzed out, and too bad that we are not friends until now. I longed and longed that we will be friends, but too bad for me it's kinda void. Also by that time I keep questioning the Lord "Why does these things happen to me?" I was drowned with a lot of beers and smokes within me, and not to think that I go to the office "half-drunk" and annoy most of the people because I just slack off at work.

January this year came and I was kinda happy to know that I now had a big responsibility at work. Thus I force myself to work hard in order to achieve good output for our team. So my career in the office is booming. My only problem that time is my heart. I still ask and question the Lord "Lord why me?" but still I don't get any answer and sometimes I do even make bad swears at him. My officemates always question me about my faith and belief. I can't answer those questions, and I just keep it within me.

Then there came a pounding at my heart during my Kawasan experience. I thought that I was gonna be dead (because I happen to swim at the falls and then I dislocated my shoulders and I was almost drowning and water's trying to pull me inside a cave) but I thought "No Lord!!!" and then I was saved. With that, everything changed. Also with the help of Ira, Velessa and Mushna I feel like I am with His presence. I feel that I want to know him more and see his face. Until now, my doings are just to get to know him better everyday.

Lovelife? Relationship with someone (aside from the Lord)? I think this is the part of my life in which I am so barren. I feel that I am in love with someone right now, but under circumstances the favor's not returned (and I always think that it never will be). Right now I am kinda alarmed because I don't want to destroy friendship (just like what happened to me before). I don't want history to repeat itself. Do you think that I will be single for the rest of my life? I think there's no girl out there who's interested with my life.

But with all this, I am still thankful that He always brighten up my day (actually my night 'coz I am up at nights). I feel light, and I feel warm.

I just hope that my so-called life will be an inspiration to others out there. Some would really laugh at it (I know who you are guys), but this is my so-called life ... BURNING WITH PASSION WITH THE DESIRE IN HIM, SEEKING THINGS ABOUT HIM, TRUSTING HIM, AND OF COURSE ... LOVING HIM!!!!

Mommy Nova ... We Will Miss You

Our friendship was that strong, our stories are unfathomable
You have my secrets in life, and you have it for eternity
We all wished that we can have you for long, but somehow nature didn't made it so
And we just want to let you know that we will miss you a lot, and you're always in our hearts